Originally I called the Oscar win for Happy Feet a disappoint, and said it was not a contender for Cars. That was based on the generally unfavorable reviews, I hadn’t seen it for myself yet. I got to see it on the plane back last night and now I can safely say that not only should that movie never have gotten near the Oscars, all copies of the DVD should be buried in the desert next to the ET game for Atari. This is how truly awful an animal movie can be when it tries too hard to include accurate biology with a cartoon world: flat out disgusting and inappropriate. The penguin culture is too alien for anyone to identify with; it’s centered around singing ability, which is in turn strictly intended for mating. That means the movie opens with an emperor penguin singing that Prince song about needing somebody’s body while awkwardly attempting to sway her weirdly enhanced penguin breasts. No really, they give the female penguins funky lumps on their chests. No really. It seems like all of the female song numbers are intended as sexy, but penguins just aren’t, at least we hope you don’t think they are (not sure I can guarrantee that for the people that made this movie), and the gaping, biologically accurate beaks they belt from are creepy black holes of throbbing gross. This movie actually uses a mother penguin regurgitating food into her infant’s mouth as a gag. Yes, they think that’s funny. Everyone knows penguins kick one of their own off to test the water for predators, but does anyone want to see that happen in a movie that is clearly for kids (the story couldn’t hope to have enough depth for adults) and have a character ask if anyone sees any blood? I heard it was depressing and makes you feel bad to be a human… Instead it gave me the urge to hunt down this sanctuary of singing and dancing crimes against nature and nuke it before it spreads. And I thought I hated Jimmy Neutron, geez. Highway robbery seems like too light a description in this case.

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